Mistrust vs Unforgiveness

Monday, September 14, 2015

Didn't take lunch today, no overlapping coverage and by the time I was actually ready we had too many jobs working for me to stop.  So I skipped lunch and just clocked out a half hour early. I’m still sitting in the break room eating what I guess is technically dinner since it’s after 5pm.  Leftovers from the potluck we had on Saturday, the same thing I had for breakfast.  My beloved stayed home today so he has the car so I’m just sitting around waiting to get picked up.

This morning I woke up feeling a combination of sadness, frustration and despair.  I dreamed about my husband cheating again.  Catching him in the act. Him first denying the accusations and then blaming his actions on my inability to satisfy his needs.  It’s difficult for me as I try to move forward with my marriage because even though I am committed to forgiving him, I am unable to trust him.  Almost everything I know about his various infidelities I discovered on my own.  Either by my own investigation or by third parties bringing information to my attention; some things were just a matter of my own intuition leading me to conclusions that ended up being spot on.  Only about 1% of the facts were volunteered by my beloved and most of that 1% came after much plying and peeling away layers of deception.  Each time we would have what was supposed to be an open honest discussion establishing a clean slate, I would find out in a matter of days or weeks that he had again lied to me and there was more to the story.  So it stands to reason that if there were any further offenses I could not count on him to be forthcoming and just confess, no, I would have to wait for any further betrayals to be be revealed in the same fashion.  Therefore, our foundation is shaky at best.  Still each day I try to move forward, try to focus on the positive, take him at his word.  Unfortunately the rope that’s holding us together has been unraveled so severely that almost anything causes me to slip back into fear and anxiety.  Even just a dream.  This next confession is going to seem suspiciously spooky but it’s 100% true.  I dreamed about his infidelity.  I had multiple dreams about it over the course of months and almost everything I dreamed ended up happening in one way or another.  I spent so many nights crying in my sleep, experience heart wrenching betrayals over and over, knowing in the center of my being that what my unconscious mind was showing me was a glimpse of what my conscious eyes were unable to view.

I am unable to find peace.  Not because of unforgiveness but because of mistrust.  I can forgive what I already know he did, but I am terrified that I am walking into more hurt.  So many things raise red flags in my mind. Things that once seemed innocent now set off alarms in my heart.  HE’S UP TO SOMETHING.  HE’S UP TO SOMETHING. HE’S UP TO SOMETHING. BEWARE. BEWARE. WARNING!!!!!  How do I move past that? My intuition was spot on every time, every time he lied, in my heart  I knew the truth, but somehow now I’m supposed to ignore my intuition? How?  And better question, why should I?

Yet somehow, a little bit at a time I feel like I am starting to trust him, or at least be less suspicious.  Sometimes I look at him and how hard he really does seem to be trying and I feel a little bit of my guard letting down.  Or at least I feel apprehension when I feel the anger rise up in me from time to time.  I see him, looking all pitiful.  I don’t want to be a fool, yet I want to believe him.  I want my life to make sense again. I want to be at peace.  I want to make love without cringing inside every time I get a vision of him touching her.  I want to look at our children without thinking about the child he made with his mistress, or the son in Atlanta that he’s been denying for the last seven years.  I want to be able to hear him say he loves me without recalling the months he contemplated leaving me for his mistress and wondering if he could be capable of that level of deception again.  I can accept that he did it, I just wonder if he could do it again.