Fine

What else am I supposed to say? That I’m tired of having to explain concepts that should be common sense to a grown man? How about that? Is that a good answer? No? Then I’m fine.

You call me passive aggressive. You think I'm being over-dramatic? I think you’re aggressively stupid, passively oblivious and dramatically disconnected from reality.  You're either willfully ignorant or a complete asshole.  Or both. How about that?  Is that a good answer? No? Then I’m fine.

Can I say that I have found myself in a situation for which there is no outcome, no series of choices that won’t lead to a painful, complicated mess? Can I say that I have been backed into a corner in every possible way?

Each time I manage to find a ray of hope, a glimmer of optimism I get smacked in the face by cold hard reality.

What else am I supposed to say when you ask the dumbest possible questions?

What else am I supposed to say when you ask if I’m okay when you know I’m not?

What else am I supposed to say when you ask me what’s wrong, when we both know what’s wrong?

You know what's wrong.
You know what's wrong.
You fucking KNOW what's wrong. Why are you playing games?

Insult to injury. Insult to injury.

The initial offense isn't enough. No, you have to make me feel dumb on top of it by pretending to know not even KNOW what's wrong. Or that something is wrong at all.

Infuriating. Maddening. Excruciating.

You pretend to be concerned and confused. You want to feign ignorance and I am forced to play along or appear emotional and irrational.

"Are you upset about something? I can't imagine what could be wrong.  I certainly didn't do anything."

I guess that means I’m fine.

Fine.

Lunch Break

I’m eating lunch.  At work. I’m drinking iced tea mixed with lemonade.  I refuse to drink water.  I have not been to the gym in almost 2 weeks. Last night I had a dream that Errikka moved to PA, somewhere nearby.  She and Ronald started seeing each other again romantically and he decided to leave me for her.  I was crushed but started getting attention from new men and dating again. I’m debating whether to tell Ronald.  Not sure it would matter or make a difference. He swears, SWEARS he is fully committed to me and making our marriage work.  She says she is newly married, very happy with her husband and has no desire to have any relationship with Ronald besides a co-parent for Jakkobi. Yea, he’s not going to sleep with her, they don’t want to be together.  Just like he and Naji had zero interest in each other and how he was totally done with Brittney.

Here's the saddest thing.  I don’t even know if I love him anymore.  I don’t want to say I don’t love him because I’m honestly not sure how I feel.  I know I’m not in love with him the way I once was, but I still care deeply for him.  Sometimes when we’re getting off the phone he’ll say, “I love you” and lately I have been unable to say it back.

He may have, for the time being, stopped actively doing things that he would need to lie about but we still haven’t gotten to the truth. This is madness waiting for the next calamity.  There’s always something more with him.  It’s never done, I can never rest. He thinks he is slick.  He thinks he’s clever and can always think of a way to get away with his crimes without me finding out.  But I always find out. 

I miss being held. I miss being touched. I miss a man’s smell, his strength, the roughness, resting against him, feeling secure and supported.

What about my babies? What happens to them if my marriage crumbles?  I’m serious! People act like it’s just a simple process to turn 4 people lives upside down.  Like everything will just fall into place and workout magically.  Just leave. Oh, yea, why didn’t I think of that?

Break is over.

MF'er

Muther fucker.  That’s pretty much where I am.  I do a pretty good impersonation of an adult with her shit together.  I know that I am stronger than him.  Emotionally, spiritually.  I know that I am better able to deal with all the crap he’s done than he is.  That’s why he wants to fast track getting back to “normal” while skipping the hardest part.  He’s got some shit deep inside that he doesn’t know how to come to terms with.  He has run hard and fast to keep it far behind him.  He’s hidden from the pain, he’s denied it so hard that he almost believed it wasn’t there.  But my husband is sitting on a time bomb of pain that is likely to blow up not just his life, but the lives of his children, me and everyone who has ever tried to love him. He says he understands how I feel.  He understands how he hurt me.  It’s true he may “know” but he doesn’t really comprehend it in a significant way.  It’s like a kid in school with an important exam cramming the night because if he doesn’t pass the exam he’ll fail the course. So, he studies hard all night, filling his head with all the facts, dates, figures, places he possibly can. Doing his best to remember as many details so can regurgitate them onto the paper.  And in many cases this works.  He can hold enough pertinent information in his head and keep it in order and earn a passing grade.  But did he learn anything? No.  He can spit back facts but he has not retained anything of significance.  There has been no actual learning. All that information will fade away and he won’t be able to call upon it in the future if it is needed. Ronald will sit quietly and listen to every word I say or his therapist says and try to absorb and memorize as much as possible.  Then he’ll say it back, as evidence that he heard and understood but he didn’t.  Not in a way that will take root and effect his future behavior.

I’m lonely.  I miss being held and kissed.  I miss melting into someone’s arms, getting lost in their eyes and feeling the whole world melt away. I spent most of my teens, twenties and early thirties longing to fall in love.  Longing to meet and marry my best friend and make a life together. I imagined making love, cuddling and snuggling together watching our favorite TV shows and movies.  Taking long walks and vacations. Not being alone anymore.  Finding love. I had that. Almost.

Now I have a husband. A husband promising it will be different… this time.

But I know better.