Lunch Break

I’m eating lunch.  At work. I’m drinking iced tea mixed with lemonade.  I refuse to drink water.  I have not been to the gym in almost 2 weeks. Last night I had a dream that Errikka moved to PA, somewhere nearby.  She and Ronald started seeing each other again romantically and he decided to leave me for her.  I was crushed but started getting attention from new men and dating again. I’m debating whether to tell Ronald.  Not sure it would matter or make a difference. He swears, SWEARS he is fully committed to me and making our marriage work.  She says she is newly married, very happy with her husband and has no desire to have any relationship with Ronald besides a co-parent for Jakkobi. Yea, he’s not going to sleep with her, they don’t want to be together.  Just like he and Naji had zero interest in each other and how he was totally done with Brittney.

Here's the saddest thing.  I don’t even know if I love him anymore.  I don’t want to say I don’t love him because I’m honestly not sure how I feel.  I know I’m not in love with him the way I once was, but I still care deeply for him.  Sometimes when we’re getting off the phone he’ll say, “I love you” and lately I have been unable to say it back.

He may have, for the time being, stopped actively doing things that he would need to lie about but we still haven’t gotten to the truth. This is madness waiting for the next calamity.  There’s always something more with him.  It’s never done, I can never rest. He thinks he is slick.  He thinks he’s clever and can always think of a way to get away with his crimes without me finding out.  But I always find out. 

I miss being held. I miss being touched. I miss a man’s smell, his strength, the roughness, resting against him, feeling secure and supported.

What about my babies? What happens to them if my marriage crumbles?  I’m serious! People act like it’s just a simple process to turn 4 people lives upside down.  Like everything will just fall into place and workout magically.  Just leave. Oh, yea, why didn’t I think of that?

Break is over.