I believe people under estimate me. I'm not the rough and tough girl from the hood, I'm an easy going girl from the quiet suburbs. I'm not the ghetto type, not the one to jump up in your face and cuss you out. My patience is long and my temper very slow. But I have a line, a line that should not be crossed. Because once you cross it there's no going back.
You fuck with me and you will find out what a nasty, hateful bitch I can be.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
My Enemies
I've been stressing for the last few days because my boss is a total bitch. I'm trying my best to learn my job and do it well. But she just has this nasty streak in her that pops up whenever she gets stressed or frustrated. I'm doing my best to deal with it calmly and maturely but she's really on my nerves. So Friday night my Dad took all his girls (my mom, sisters, nieces and their daughters) out to dinner. And who do I see waiting tables but my old manager from back when I was a waitress! She was the general manager for a huge chain and now she's just a waitress!! I was thrilled because she had always been a two-faced jerk towards me. She knew I wanted to move into a management role so she let me do all the work but kept blocking every attempt I made to move up. When I finally had to stop working due to pregnancy, instead of putting it in as a leave of absence she said I quit without sufficient notice which made it impossible for me to be rehired.
It reminded me that God had a plan for my life that no one can ruin. No matter what my enemies may try to do to hold me back, as long as I stay in faith He will work it out. He literally prepared a table for me in the presence of my enemy! I love it!!
It reminded me that God had a plan for my life that no one can ruin. No matter what my enemies may try to do to hold me back, as long as I stay in faith He will work it out. He literally prepared a table for me in the presence of my enemy! I love it!!
Monday, March 24, 2014
I Married A Grown Up
He spent $769 at Best Buy on tech toys for himself and not a dollar put into savings. I can feel the murderous rage rising.
That is all.
That is all.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Predicting the End
One day he's just going to pack up all his secrets and his lies and he'll be gone. The End.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Here a Chick, There a Chick
Why does it seen like every time I turn around there's some bitch up in my husband face or on his phone? Smiling at him, laughing, calling, texting, needing him for something. He's supposed to be my husband, not some Mr Save-A-Ho super hero. Why is there always some little single female he just has to be there for.
Miss Wake Up Call; a single female coworker who, despite being a grown up, needs my husband to call her and wake her up every morning or she might not get to work on time.
Miss Brokenhearted; who calls my husband when she's having problems with her boyfriend, like he's her own personal Dr Phil.
Miss Let's Hang Out; another female coworker who I've never met, drives an hour to hang out with my husband while I'm at work and just happens to have a friend that lives near us. Same chick calls him later that night because she's having car trouble and needs him to come help.
Miss I Need Information; this a chick he was trying to cheat with previously, got caught and promised he would cut off contact with. Yet somehow she appears back on his Facebook friends list recently and was sending him messages to his inbox, most of which he deleted.
Miss Ex Girlfriend; who told him back in 2009 that she didn't want to have anymore contact with him. He just randomly decides to contact her in January. WHY???
Miss KIA Soul; Who he knows well enough to sit alone with her in her car chatting and laughing while they wait for the train. Then they walk together, get on together and sit together. I have NO idea who this woman is, how they met, how long they've known each other. Nothing.
Miss Walk and Talk; Another train station buddy that he never mentioned and I know nothing about but they're walking, talking and laughing like it's all cool. Fucking interesting.
Mind you, he's been coming home with alcohol on his breath, getting rides home and not telling me. And for almost 2 weeks straight he didn't sleep in our bed with me.
Now, all of a sudden he's acting different, but in a positive way. He's Mr Affection, being sweet and tender. I don't know what is happening in my life. My head is going to explode.
Miss Wake Up Call; a single female coworker who, despite being a grown up, needs my husband to call her and wake her up every morning or she might not get to work on time.
Miss Brokenhearted; who calls my husband when she's having problems with her boyfriend, like he's her own personal Dr Phil.
Miss Let's Hang Out; another female coworker who I've never met, drives an hour to hang out with my husband while I'm at work and just happens to have a friend that lives near us. Same chick calls him later that night because she's having car trouble and needs him to come help.
Miss I Need Information; this a chick he was trying to cheat with previously, got caught and promised he would cut off contact with. Yet somehow she appears back on his Facebook friends list recently and was sending him messages to his inbox, most of which he deleted.
Miss Ex Girlfriend; who told him back in 2009 that she didn't want to have anymore contact with him. He just randomly decides to contact her in January. WHY???
Miss KIA Soul; Who he knows well enough to sit alone with her in her car chatting and laughing while they wait for the train. Then they walk together, get on together and sit together. I have NO idea who this woman is, how they met, how long they've known each other. Nothing.
Miss Walk and Talk; Another train station buddy that he never mentioned and I know nothing about but they're walking, talking and laughing like it's all cool. Fucking interesting.
Mind you, he's been coming home with alcohol on his breath, getting rides home and not telling me. And for almost 2 weeks straight he didn't sleep in our bed with me.
Now, all of a sudden he's acting different, but in a positive way. He's Mr Affection, being sweet and tender. I don't know what is happening in my life. My head is going to explode.
Band of Gold
In the three years we've been married he's lost 2 wedding rings. After he lost the second one he made no attempt to replace it. I asked him repeatedly to get a new one, told him that it bothered me that he wasn't wearing one. This went on for six months!! Eventually I decided to just buy one for him for Christmas. I asked him his size and he gave me the WRONG SIZE!!!
WTF? He had already purchased rings for himself twice so how could he not know? It was almost like he was trying to get out of wearing a wedding ring all together.
#shady
WTF? He had already purchased rings for himself twice so how could he not know? It was almost like he was trying to get out of wearing a wedding ring all together.
#shady
Thursday, March 6, 2014
I Love the Way You Lie
An emptiness I can't fully explain is boring a hole deep into my heart. So much I wanted, so many years of dreaming, hoping and praying to have this thing I have today but it is so full of sadness. I never imagined this man would be the cause of so much sorrow. Never imagined he was capable of such deception. Never thought he could lie so easily to my face and maneuver so stealthy behind my back. It amazes me how at every turn he manages to portray himself as the innocent victim of unfair accusations. Even when he's completely blatantly wrong, still, he is convinced of his own rightness. Even when he agrees to change js behavior, he treats it as nothing more than a sincere attempt to make me happy, instead of acknowledging that it was a necessary correction of his own inappropriate behavior. It's like he lives in his own reality, where's everything he does is always somehow okay, because it him. I believe that is a form of narcissism, isn't it?
Miserable and Scared
He cheated. He cheated on me with at least one woman that he admits to, but I found evidence that he attempted to hook up with multiple other women including old lovers and even a coworker. The coworker was truly humiliating for me, because I knew this woman. We had socialized together at events for his job. Not only did they work together, but she was best friends with my husband's best friend's girlfriend! All four of them worked for the same company and spent lots of time together, inside and outside of work. I remember a function he attended his first year with that company. He told me about it weeks in advance and asked me if I wanted to go. I said yes, but as the date approached he failed to purchase a ticket for me so I was left home while he spent the evening out doing God knows what. He never did give a real reason why. I can only assume it was because he didn't want me there because she was going to be there. In the messages I found between them, she turned down his advances, thankfully she had common sense and morals, but that doesn't change the fact that HE wanted a sexual relationship with her and would have had one if she was willing.
His cheating began shortly after our 1 year anniversary. At least that I know of. That's when the trail began. I suspected something was amiss in our relationship for several months but I ignored that nagging feeling. See, during the short time we had been married, my husband had several shady moments. Going out and staying out all night, literally not coming home until after sunrise the next morning. Going out to do laundry at 11pm. Once I even found a condom wrapper in our car. Many nights would go by that he wouldn't come to bed. He always used the excuse that he wasn't sleepy. Of course sleep has nothing to do with having sex. Oddly, the nights he did come to bed he claimed to be completely exhausted and fell right to sleep. Still, it wasn't until the following August that I finally began looking for evidence to support my fears. I found it in his Facebook inbox and in text messages on his phone. Invading my husband's privacy and spying on him was not something I'm proud of, as a matter of fact I never believed that I would be that type of woman. But there I was, scared and anxious; no longer able to ignore my intuition. While it was true that my sex drive had slowed, I had been pregnant for the first half of our first year of marriage and home with our newborn for the second. I was breastfeeding, hormonal, exhausted and struggling with postpartum depression. But all he saw was his own feelings of "rejection" because I had changed. This was how 2011 ended and 2012 began.
At the beginning of 2012 I stopped breastfeeding, put my daughter in daycare, went back to work, and started to feel like a normal person again. During that time I started trying to rebuild the intimacy and excitement in our relationship. At this point I still didn't know that he had starting looking outside our marriage for fulfillment. For months I did what I could to put some spark into our interactions but kept hitting a block that I didn't fully understand. We tried to talk about our issues but it never seemed to make much difference. So after months of this I did the thing I thought I would never I do, and started digging for answers. I found 5 women in particular he had attempted to romance. Invitations to dinner, bringing up highlights from their previous encounters, saying how he "missed" being with them, wanting to kiss them and steal them away. The worst exchange went into full detail about the what, when and how of an affair with a previous lover. This woman, the only one he actually admits to going all the way with was also married and confessed to him that she had been cheating on her own husband because he didn't satisfy her sexually. My husband told this woman that I too was falling short in the bedroom and that he felt he had no other choice than to go outside our marriage. He asked her if she would be interested in a threesome and even confided that he had considered paying for an escort. The hurt and betrayal I felt, reading what he was telling this stranger about me and our marriage was unmatched by anything I had ever felt.
So there I was, concrete evidence of his infidelity and no idea what to do. I didn't want to get divorced. We'd barely been married 2 years when I found out and I was still very much in love with him. I confronted him one night and he went... well, batshit crazy is the only way I can think to describe it. I'd never seen him that angry. Though until this day I'm not 100% clear why he became so enraged. I kept trying to ask him why he cheated, why he kept trying to cheat even after things started getting better, but that just further infuriated him. He angrily growled at me that he didn't know why then went storming out of our bedroom and out of our apartment. That night I saw a side of my husband I had never seen before and haven't seen since. That same night he went and changed the password on his Facebook account and admitted to being angry with me for snooping. He said later that he was angry only at himself. He then deactivated his account, which he said he did so that I would trust him but that was bullshit. Facebook didn't make him cheat, he merely used it as a tool to communicate with other women. Deleting the account just came across as an attempt to cover his tracks.
Initially, I dealt with his cheating by blaming it all on myself. I wasn't fulfilling his needs, he really wanted to be with me but because I was unavailable he had no choice but to seek affection from other women. I began overloading him with sex, doing all the things he had complained to the other woman that I hadn't been doing. This went on for weeks but I still felt hollow inside. One night, we went for a walk and had a very candid conversation. During which, he tried to play the victim role, saying some nonsense like, "I said I was sorry, what more do you want me to do? Do you want me to throw myself in traffic?!?" Which sent me over the top! How dare he act like HE was the one suffering!! Like my wounded feelings were some sort of burden! As far as I could tell, he hadn't done anything of any significance to earn my trust back, except not cheat. Which was what should have been happening all along. You don't get credit for the shit you're supposed to do!! I screamed at him all the angry words I could think of, pounded him with my fists and then took off running because I just needed to get away from his stupid lying face. He chased me, he caught me. I cried for a long time in his arms. My heart had never felt so broken. He cried too, told me how sorry he was that he had hurt me so badly and that he would never do it again. A few weeks after that encounter I found out that he got a credit card behind my back, after I told him I didn't think it was a good idea because we already had too much debt. I asked him about it and he lied. He did it behind my back and then lied to my face.
He showed up one day with a brand new iPad that I was certain we couldn't afford but he told me his father bought it for him. A couple weeks later I was looking through our bank statements and saw a $500 payment to Best Buy. I confronted him and only then did he admit that his dad only fronted him the money by using his Best Buy credit card. He knew full well the whole time he would have to pay that money back, he just didn't tell me. He agreed to counseling, but we only went for a couple months. I'm still not sure if we got anything out of it. Throughout this whole ordeal I've been more concerned with protecting him from my anger than actually allowing myself to heal. I don't want to make HIM feel bad. I'm scared I'll go too far and he'll decide that it too much trouble and just leave.
So now we are well into 2014 and I'm still struggling with trust issues. Why? Because he keeps acting FUCKING SHADY!!!
1) One Saturday while I'm at work, one of his female coworkers comes to watch our son's football game with him. He mentions it causally, as if it's totally normal for her to drive almost an hour to hang out with her married coworker on a weekend. Later that evening when he picked me up, his phone rang and instead off letting it go to the hands free speaker phone (which is the law in our state) he quickly picks up his phone, but not before I see a woman's name pop up on the caller ID display. I listen to his side of a very odd conversation, asking if she was okay and offering to come to her aid. I'm looking at him like, What the fuck was that about? He said that after she left the football game she went to visit with another friend of hers that just happens to live near us. She was having car trouble and was calling him to see if he could help. This was after he had stayed out way too late AGAIN with some of his single guy friends the night before.
2) Another time,we're out having dinner and he answers his phone and has another very odd but brief conversation with someone, he just kept asking "Are you okay?" then hung up like nothing happened. Later I asked him about it and he tells me it was one of his female coworkers calling him because she was stressed about a fight with her boyfriend. Why the fuck is she calling MY HUSBAND about her man problems??
3)He had a reminder on his phone to call one of his female coworkers first thing in the morning because she had terrible getting up on her own.
4) I started noticing that he always had his phone in his hand. He almost never put it down. Once I was sitting next to him and I saw him go to his text messages and a box popped up asking to scan his thumbprint!! Why the heck does he need that kind of security on his text messages?
5) One Saturday morning, we were able to stay in bed late and make love, which is rare. Afterward, he did actually leave his phone on his night stand and went into the bathroom. While he was gone a message popped up on his phone from someone he calls only "Spooky" saying something like "So you don't want to talk to me today?" So that set me off.
6) I went to his iPad and logged onto his Facebook page and discovered that even after he promised to cut off communication with all the women he previously reached out to, I found new messages in his inbox from one of them. Then I saw that he sent a message to another ex, a woman he had been dealing with not that long before he and I got together back in 2009.
7) Twice he came home from work and when I kissed him I could taste alcohol on his breath.
8) Then he started doing that shit where he doesn't come to bed again. Now, he is a heavy snorer, he has sleep apnea but won't wear the sleep mask because it's uncomfortable. So some nights, when it's really bad I will get out of bed and go sleep in the baby's room or downstairs. He decided to use that as an excuse to stop coming to bed altogether. For almost 2 full weeks, I slept alone. No sex, nothing. Just me upstairs alone in our bed, him downstairs playing Xbox or watching TV until he fell asleep on the couch.
He leaves very early in the morning to get to work; he has to catch a bus, then a train, then ride the El to get to his job and then same thing to get home. But I know he's been getting rides from someone, which would be FINE if he would just be upfront about it. The fact that he's keeping it from me makes me suspect that there's something else going on. The other morning I felt that damn nagging intuition bubbling up, so I came downstairs right after I heard him close the front door. I looked outside, didn't see him walking anywhere and a moment later a car went past our house. Mind you, this is 5:45 in the morning and we live on a very quiet street with only a few houses and very little traffic. Who the hell does he know well enough that would pick him up at 5:45 in the goddamn morning just to drive him to the train station??? So I gave into my fears, hopped in the car and drove to the train station. I didn't see him waiting at any of the bus stops I passed along the way and when I got the train station he was not there. The bus arrived a few minutes later and he wasn't on it. I thought I spotted him on the other side of the tracks so I got out of my car to get a closer look but it wasn't him. On my way back to my car I spotted him in the parking lot, waving goodbye to someone. Then I watched him walk over to another car and get in, where he sat with some woman laughing and chatting. When it was time to catch the train they walked together, continuing their conversation, and then they sat together on the train. Today, I followed him again and found him walking and talking with another woman, sitting next to her on the bench and then boarding the train together. I wasn't able to get close enough to see if he sat with her too. Who are all these women? As far as I know he doesn't have any friends around here. Jesus! Do you see what's happening? I'm going out of my fucking mind, that's what's happening!! I'm going out into the dark, freezing cold morning still in my pajamas, following my husband, ducking behind cars and shit! What the fuck is happening to my life???? I can't keep doing this! This is insanity and it has to stop. I keep trying to ignore, repress and fight my fears and suspicions but they only grow. With each passing day I find myself more and more mistrustful of him, no matter what he says or how he behaves when we're together I can't help but to worry what he's up to when he's not with me. How do I heal from this? I love him so dearly, and the thought of my marriage ending frightens me horribly. What can I do? I feel so miserable inside.
His cheating began shortly after our 1 year anniversary. At least that I know of. That's when the trail began. I suspected something was amiss in our relationship for several months but I ignored that nagging feeling. See, during the short time we had been married, my husband had several shady moments. Going out and staying out all night, literally not coming home until after sunrise the next morning. Going out to do laundry at 11pm. Once I even found a condom wrapper in our car. Many nights would go by that he wouldn't come to bed. He always used the excuse that he wasn't sleepy. Of course sleep has nothing to do with having sex. Oddly, the nights he did come to bed he claimed to be completely exhausted and fell right to sleep. Still, it wasn't until the following August that I finally began looking for evidence to support my fears. I found it in his Facebook inbox and in text messages on his phone. Invading my husband's privacy and spying on him was not something I'm proud of, as a matter of fact I never believed that I would be that type of woman. But there I was, scared and anxious; no longer able to ignore my intuition. While it was true that my sex drive had slowed, I had been pregnant for the first half of our first year of marriage and home with our newborn for the second. I was breastfeeding, hormonal, exhausted and struggling with postpartum depression. But all he saw was his own feelings of "rejection" because I had changed. This was how 2011 ended and 2012 began.
At the beginning of 2012 I stopped breastfeeding, put my daughter in daycare, went back to work, and started to feel like a normal person again. During that time I started trying to rebuild the intimacy and excitement in our relationship. At this point I still didn't know that he had starting looking outside our marriage for fulfillment. For months I did what I could to put some spark into our interactions but kept hitting a block that I didn't fully understand. We tried to talk about our issues but it never seemed to make much difference. So after months of this I did the thing I thought I would never I do, and started digging for answers. I found 5 women in particular he had attempted to romance. Invitations to dinner, bringing up highlights from their previous encounters, saying how he "missed" being with them, wanting to kiss them and steal them away. The worst exchange went into full detail about the what, when and how of an affair with a previous lover. This woman, the only one he actually admits to going all the way with was also married and confessed to him that she had been cheating on her own husband because he didn't satisfy her sexually. My husband told this woman that I too was falling short in the bedroom and that he felt he had no other choice than to go outside our marriage. He asked her if she would be interested in a threesome and even confided that he had considered paying for an escort. The hurt and betrayal I felt, reading what he was telling this stranger about me and our marriage was unmatched by anything I had ever felt.
So there I was, concrete evidence of his infidelity and no idea what to do. I didn't want to get divorced. We'd barely been married 2 years when I found out and I was still very much in love with him. I confronted him one night and he went... well, batshit crazy is the only way I can think to describe it. I'd never seen him that angry. Though until this day I'm not 100% clear why he became so enraged. I kept trying to ask him why he cheated, why he kept trying to cheat even after things started getting better, but that just further infuriated him. He angrily growled at me that he didn't know why then went storming out of our bedroom and out of our apartment. That night I saw a side of my husband I had never seen before and haven't seen since. That same night he went and changed the password on his Facebook account and admitted to being angry with me for snooping. He said later that he was angry only at himself. He then deactivated his account, which he said he did so that I would trust him but that was bullshit. Facebook didn't make him cheat, he merely used it as a tool to communicate with other women. Deleting the account just came across as an attempt to cover his tracks.
Initially, I dealt with his cheating by blaming it all on myself. I wasn't fulfilling his needs, he really wanted to be with me but because I was unavailable he had no choice but to seek affection from other women. I began overloading him with sex, doing all the things he had complained to the other woman that I hadn't been doing. This went on for weeks but I still felt hollow inside. One night, we went for a walk and had a very candid conversation. During which, he tried to play the victim role, saying some nonsense like, "I said I was sorry, what more do you want me to do? Do you want me to throw myself in traffic?!?" Which sent me over the top! How dare he act like HE was the one suffering!! Like my wounded feelings were some sort of burden! As far as I could tell, he hadn't done anything of any significance to earn my trust back, except not cheat. Which was what should have been happening all along. You don't get credit for the shit you're supposed to do!! I screamed at him all the angry words I could think of, pounded him with my fists and then took off running because I just needed to get away from his stupid lying face. He chased me, he caught me. I cried for a long time in his arms. My heart had never felt so broken. He cried too, told me how sorry he was that he had hurt me so badly and that he would never do it again. A few weeks after that encounter I found out that he got a credit card behind my back, after I told him I didn't think it was a good idea because we already had too much debt. I asked him about it and he lied. He did it behind my back and then lied to my face.
He showed up one day with a brand new iPad that I was certain we couldn't afford but he told me his father bought it for him. A couple weeks later I was looking through our bank statements and saw a $500 payment to Best Buy. I confronted him and only then did he admit that his dad only fronted him the money by using his Best Buy credit card. He knew full well the whole time he would have to pay that money back, he just didn't tell me. He agreed to counseling, but we only went for a couple months. I'm still not sure if we got anything out of it. Throughout this whole ordeal I've been more concerned with protecting him from my anger than actually allowing myself to heal. I don't want to make HIM feel bad. I'm scared I'll go too far and he'll decide that it too much trouble and just leave.
So now we are well into 2014 and I'm still struggling with trust issues. Why? Because he keeps acting FUCKING SHADY!!!
1) One Saturday while I'm at work, one of his female coworkers comes to watch our son's football game with him. He mentions it causally, as if it's totally normal for her to drive almost an hour to hang out with her married coworker on a weekend. Later that evening when he picked me up, his phone rang and instead off letting it go to the hands free speaker phone (which is the law in our state) he quickly picks up his phone, but not before I see a woman's name pop up on the caller ID display. I listen to his side of a very odd conversation, asking if she was okay and offering to come to her aid. I'm looking at him like, What the fuck was that about? He said that after she left the football game she went to visit with another friend of hers that just happens to live near us. She was having car trouble and was calling him to see if he could help. This was after he had stayed out way too late AGAIN with some of his single guy friends the night before.
2) Another time,we're out having dinner and he answers his phone and has another very odd but brief conversation with someone, he just kept asking "Are you okay?" then hung up like nothing happened. Later I asked him about it and he tells me it was one of his female coworkers calling him because she was stressed about a fight with her boyfriend. Why the fuck is she calling MY HUSBAND about her man problems??
3)He had a reminder on his phone to call one of his female coworkers first thing in the morning because she had terrible getting up on her own.
4) I started noticing that he always had his phone in his hand. He almost never put it down. Once I was sitting next to him and I saw him go to his text messages and a box popped up asking to scan his thumbprint!! Why the heck does he need that kind of security on his text messages?
5) One Saturday morning, we were able to stay in bed late and make love, which is rare. Afterward, he did actually leave his phone on his night stand and went into the bathroom. While he was gone a message popped up on his phone from someone he calls only "Spooky" saying something like "So you don't want to talk to me today?" So that set me off.
6) I went to his iPad and logged onto his Facebook page and discovered that even after he promised to cut off communication with all the women he previously reached out to, I found new messages in his inbox from one of them. Then I saw that he sent a message to another ex, a woman he had been dealing with not that long before he and I got together back in 2009.
7) Twice he came home from work and when I kissed him I could taste alcohol on his breath.
8) Then he started doing that shit where he doesn't come to bed again. Now, he is a heavy snorer, he has sleep apnea but won't wear the sleep mask because it's uncomfortable. So some nights, when it's really bad I will get out of bed and go sleep in the baby's room or downstairs. He decided to use that as an excuse to stop coming to bed altogether. For almost 2 full weeks, I slept alone. No sex, nothing. Just me upstairs alone in our bed, him downstairs playing Xbox or watching TV until he fell asleep on the couch.
He leaves very early in the morning to get to work; he has to catch a bus, then a train, then ride the El to get to his job and then same thing to get home. But I know he's been getting rides from someone, which would be FINE if he would just be upfront about it. The fact that he's keeping it from me makes me suspect that there's something else going on. The other morning I felt that damn nagging intuition bubbling up, so I came downstairs right after I heard him close the front door. I looked outside, didn't see him walking anywhere and a moment later a car went past our house. Mind you, this is 5:45 in the morning and we live on a very quiet street with only a few houses and very little traffic. Who the hell does he know well enough that would pick him up at 5:45 in the goddamn morning just to drive him to the train station??? So I gave into my fears, hopped in the car and drove to the train station. I didn't see him waiting at any of the bus stops I passed along the way and when I got the train station he was not there. The bus arrived a few minutes later and he wasn't on it. I thought I spotted him on the other side of the tracks so I got out of my car to get a closer look but it wasn't him. On my way back to my car I spotted him in the parking lot, waving goodbye to someone. Then I watched him walk over to another car and get in, where he sat with some woman laughing and chatting. When it was time to catch the train they walked together, continuing their conversation, and then they sat together on the train. Today, I followed him again and found him walking and talking with another woman, sitting next to her on the bench and then boarding the train together. I wasn't able to get close enough to see if he sat with her too. Who are all these women? As far as I know he doesn't have any friends around here. Jesus! Do you see what's happening? I'm going out of my fucking mind, that's what's happening!! I'm going out into the dark, freezing cold morning still in my pajamas, following my husband, ducking behind cars and shit! What the fuck is happening to my life???? I can't keep doing this! This is insanity and it has to stop. I keep trying to ignore, repress and fight my fears and suspicions but they only grow. With each passing day I find myself more and more mistrustful of him, no matter what he says or how he behaves when we're together I can't help but to worry what he's up to when he's not with me. How do I heal from this? I love him so dearly, and the thought of my marriage ending frightens me horribly. What can I do? I feel so miserable inside.
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