Write It Down Stupid Girl

The other day I had a thought, the beginning of a thought.  Like a moment of inspiration that probably could have led to something interesting.  I said to myself inside my head, "Dumb bitch, take a minute and write that down.  Grab the laptop or at least a notebook and record this shit before you forget it."  But I didn't because I am a stupid girl, so now I can't remember it.  Something about Sade and Adele.  Their music so goddamn sad and sultry.  Their music is the melodic equivalent of what was once my best writings.  Not to assert that I match either of their talents, not even close, at least not yet.  But the way that music makes me feel, miserable, alone, desperate, longing, that in your bones ache that can only be filled by the one you lost.  Or the one you can never have.


Proving to the gods of love that I'm worthy.  Proving to gods of love that I'm up for it, that I'm equal to the challenge.  Preparing to be the Rhonda Rousey of love.  Knocked down. Hard.
But.
Not.
Out.

Getting up kicking and swinging, fixing to fuck somebody up.

Somewhat Less Angry, No Less Wounded

So, I may have given the impression lo' these last few posts that my husband is an irredeemable hopeless asshole, devoid of virtue or conscious.  While it's true there have been moments in the not too distant past that I did feel that way, wholeheartedly, the regrettable truth is that I love him.  In my naive heart I believe that behind all the terrible decisions driven by stupidity, selfishness, insecurity and a fragile ego, he is... a good man.  I hate that.  Almost every day, sometimes multiple times throughout the day I feel hostility towards him rising up in me like acid reflux and I have to beat in down so I can function.  I have to battle against the undeniable urge to call him a liar or a piece of shit, punch him in the face and/or push him down a flight of stairs.  I have to force myself to let him touch me and will myself to enjoy it on some level, even though all the while in my head I am subjected to imaginations of him touching her.  When he whispers his pillow talk I get flashes of him saying those same things to her.  It's like in Clockwork Orange when the guy has eyes wired open and is forced to view horrible scenes of violence and human misery.  That's what my brain does to me.  Except instead of torture and murder, by mind shows me scenes of my husband romancing and fucking other women.  I see his twisted smile, I hear their moans of ecstasy.  I have dreams.  The sames dreams I had a year ago.  The same dreams I've had almost the entire time I've been married to him.  Vivid, heart-wrenching dreams of him saying the cruelest things to me.  I dreamed of his betrayal many times over.  I knew how it would feel long before I ever felt it because something inside me sensed it coming.  I spent countless nights in unconscious despair, sobbing over shadows of future aching.  Sleeping next to the person who loved me to my face while sharpening the knife behind my back.  "Cruel tongue tear souls like steel tipped whips..."

I know we say that no one is perfect and to truly you love someone you have to accept their good and their bad.  Marriage as an institution aggressively tests that theory.  It's one thing to love and support a child that is a piece of shit.  They are apart of you, your DNA runs through them, you've loved them from even before they were born so you have a special ability to bear with all their bullshit.  Your child can break your heart 100 times over and you'll still be there believing the best about them.  That's a parent's love.  But can it be that way for spouses?  And if so, at what point is it just foolish and ill-advised?  When is it faith and when is just foolishness?

Love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrongs, love takes no pleasure in bad things but rejoices in virtuous things.  Love hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.  That's my simplified translation of I Corinthians chapter 13 verses 4 through 7.  Sounds awesome, right?  Everyone loves that definition of love because we each imagine ourselves on the receiving end of it.  We want someone who will love us unconditionally, through all the challenges and hurts, someone who will forgive us when we fall short, someone who will gloss over our mistakes as effortlessly as we do and focus only on our attempts and good intentions, rather than on all the times that we majorly fuck up.  However, I realize that in order for this model of love to work, really work in real time I have to be willing to give that love.  I have to bear with his faults.  I have to be patient.  I can't keep a record of his wrongdoings.  I have to believe the best about him.  If I claim to love him, I have to love him.  I think what is implied by that beautiful scripture is that love is HARD.  Love hurts and love will break your heart.  But if we want the beauty we have to embrace the beast.

It's a cheap cheat to post lyrics to a song written by someone else in my blog, but I love this song and it expresses exactly what I'm feeling.

They say it's a river that circles the earth
A beam of light shining to the edge of the universe
It conquers all, it changes everything

They say it's a blessing, they say it's a gift
They say it's a miracle and I believe that it is
It conquers all but it's a mystery

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard
And it fades away so easily

In this world we've created, in this place that we live
In the blink of an eye babe, the darkness slips in
Love lights the world, unites the lovers for eternity

Love breaks the chains
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears and the pain
And it turns it in to the beauty that remains

Look at this place
It was paradise but now it's dying
I'll pray for love
I'll take my chances that it's not too late

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard
And it fades away so easily, oh, oh, oh

Love breaks the chains
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears and the pain
And it turns it in to the beauty that remains

Vanessa Williams - Love Is Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Wife in the City

In DC visiting the husband while he is in town for work.  2 and a half hour drive so of course I'm at the bar.  Apparently you can't get Yuengling Lager south of the Delaware border so I'm enjoying a Cape Town Heineken with my double shot of Jack.  Not trying to get drunk, just want to get nice.  I get to spend at least the next 24 hours with no kids so I'm hoping to spend most of it in that happy warm place achieved through alcohol.  Or weed.  But I don't have any weed.  I need to get a dealer.
Can I be honest with you internet?  I recently find myself thinking about having an affair.  There isn't anyone in particular in mind, as a matter of fact there's no one that has managed to catch my attention in quite some time, but still, in the back of my mind I quietly find myself wishing I would come across someone who would give me the tingles enough to be tempted.  I haven't had that new sex feeling in 6 years, 2009 was the last time I introduced a new dick to my JJ and I kind of miss it.  Actually, the hubby wasn't even new dick at that point, he was a repeat from the past.  The last authentically "new" dick was... wow, not even sure.  Either way, I find myself craving the thrill of that first encounter.  The flirting, the chasing, the innuendo. Extended eye contact, being playful, feeling sexy, wondering when "it" was going to happen.  How long would you tease and dance around the inevitable?  When you could just be two people wrapped up in each other, living the moment to the fullest.  No kids, no bills, no cockblocking reality ruining the moment.  That's why he cheated on me.  He wanted something new, something exciting, something fun and easy.  Light.  Real life is so fucking heavy some days.  Adult life is so goddamn boring.  Sometimes you just want that Phil Collins "In the Air" moment.  You know that fucking song.  There's that moment towards the end of the song about 3:15 minutes in when the drums come in and it's like "Oh shit, it's about to go down."  You don't even really listen to the first part of the song, it's like background elevator music; something about letting somebody drown?  But then the music gets all dramatic and then BAM!  DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA... I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT OH LORD!  And you're like all shit, it just got real, and your panties just like slide down your legs. lol
But alas, I don't think I'd actually do it.  Lord knows I would be justified in having a little fling.  That rat bastard started a whole relationship and made a fucking baby with his side piece.  I should be allowed to get even with tryst without feeling guilty.  His stupid bitch is going to be in our lives for at least the next 18 muther fucking goddamn 18 years FUCK MY LIFE.  Did I mention that I hate her?  I hate her kid too.  There, I said it internet.  Now judge me.  Fuck you.  I hate the kid my husband made with his whore.  Judge me.

Today

First day back at work after the trip up to Rhode Island.  It was nice spending time with my son, talking to him.  I'm grateful that he is comfortable talking to me about most stuff.  It would have been nice to take the ride with just the two of us, but I just didn't feel right leaving the baby at home.  My two boys, one almost 18, the other not even 4 months old.  Its surreal at times how my life has come to be.  I had thought by now things would be, I don't know, just different.  I wanted to be married with more kids, but I imagined I'd have accomplished more in the way of my career and with my writing.  I feel like I should have had something published somewhere by now.  I regret getting rid of my myspace account.  Sure, it wasn't the "cool" place to be anymore but it was a great forum for my writing.  I was putting up a new piece at least once a week.  Sure it wasn't all gold, but every now and then I would come up with something I was really proud of.  I haven't written anything like that in so long.  Sure I've jotted some a few phrases here and there, but nothing like how I used to flow.  How can I call myself a writer if I don't write?
Anyway, today at work I was in the lab by myself.  I was irritated because M---- was slacking off last night and left bunch of work for me and no one was coming in to help me until 5 pm and I was leaving at 5:30.  Being by myself is good and bad.  On one hand it gives me time to think and just be inside my head.  On the other hand it gives me time to be inside my own head!  All day I was going over in my mind all the things I want to say to him about S----.  Finding that he was looking at her pictures on Instagram was like (another) knife in my heart.  I could scream and cry, yell, make accusations, threaten to leave and all that shit but for what?  I feel so fucking trapped sometimes because no matter what he does I only have 2 options.  Stay or leave.  I can't make him change, I can't make him act right and respect me by not interacting with these women.  He's going to do what he's going to do. All I can do is stay, focus on the positive parts of our relationship and hope things get better.  Ignore the shit he does even though its eating a hole in me.  I hate him so much sometimes for the things he has done and continues to do.  I don't have any proof that he's done anything recently besides look at a few pictures, but what difference does that make?  Last time I waited until I had enough more than enough evidence.  Emails, texts, secret phone numbers and dating profiles, the whole nine, yet when I confronted him he still lied.  And the things he couldn't lie about he just downplayed and made it seem like I was making a big deal out of nothing.  I accepted it because if I didn't we would have had to break up.  That has become my life. Believe the lies, accept the apology and keep it moving or break up my family.  Sure he cries and acts all broken up over the things he's done, yet 6 days ago there he was on Instagram looking at pictures of his ex-friend with benefits, the first woman he cheated on me with after we got married.  And like a dumbass he "likes" one of them.  It wasn't enough to just enjoy them quietly, no he had to announce to her and everyone else that he liked it.  How was he to know I would decide to reactivate my profile and go looking around on there?  So many fucking times I've caught him in some bullshit it's been by accident, when I wasn't even really looking.  What an asshole.  So what, do I confront him?  For what? So I can get his same old bullshit innocent guy line?  Trying to convince me that it didn't mean anything.  Or he'll start crying again, telling me how angry he is with himself.  How much he hates himself.  Whatever.  And what are my options?  I got 2 little kids here.  Am I really supposed to go down this path again?  I spent hundred of dollars of my parents money filing for divorce only to get back with this lying sack of shit because like a weak fool I actually wanted to believe that he could change.  There's no way I could go to them again and tell them we're doing the She Leaves Him scene, take 2.  And my kids, my babies.  I couldn't put my daughter through that again.  It killed me seeing how stressed she was.  Even more than my own stress and anxiety, watching the madness through her eyes was too much.  I hate him for putting me in the situation.  Why can't he just fucking act right?  Fucking Bitchney.  I hate that whore.  Brain dead cunt.  I hope she... No.  No, I won't say that.  Not even here.  But I do hate her.   I hate them.  I hate whores.  I hate every piece of shit female who knew he was married and spread her nasty legs for him anyway.  I despise the vows I took that bind me to him.  And even with all the love I have for my babies I hate that I am forever stuck with his trifling lying conniving fuck face.  Geez.  Tell me how you really feel.

That is all.