Today

First day back at work after the trip up to Rhode Island.  It was nice spending time with my son, talking to him.  I'm grateful that he is comfortable talking to me about most stuff.  It would have been nice to take the ride with just the two of us, but I just didn't feel right leaving the baby at home.  My two boys, one almost 18, the other not even 4 months old.  Its surreal at times how my life has come to be.  I had thought by now things would be, I don't know, just different.  I wanted to be married with more kids, but I imagined I'd have accomplished more in the way of my career and with my writing.  I feel like I should have had something published somewhere by now.  I regret getting rid of my myspace account.  Sure, it wasn't the "cool" place to be anymore but it was a great forum for my writing.  I was putting up a new piece at least once a week.  Sure it wasn't all gold, but every now and then I would come up with something I was really proud of.  I haven't written anything like that in so long.  Sure I've jotted some a few phrases here and there, but nothing like how I used to flow.  How can I call myself a writer if I don't write?
Anyway, today at work I was in the lab by myself.  I was irritated because M---- was slacking off last night and left bunch of work for me and no one was coming in to help me until 5 pm and I was leaving at 5:30.  Being by myself is good and bad.  On one hand it gives me time to think and just be inside my head.  On the other hand it gives me time to be inside my own head!  All day I was going over in my mind all the things I want to say to him about S----.  Finding that he was looking at her pictures on Instagram was like (another) knife in my heart.  I could scream and cry, yell, make accusations, threaten to leave and all that shit but for what?  I feel so fucking trapped sometimes because no matter what he does I only have 2 options.  Stay or leave.  I can't make him change, I can't make him act right and respect me by not interacting with these women.  He's going to do what he's going to do. All I can do is stay, focus on the positive parts of our relationship and hope things get better.  Ignore the shit he does even though its eating a hole in me.  I hate him so much sometimes for the things he has done and continues to do.  I don't have any proof that he's done anything recently besides look at a few pictures, but what difference does that make?  Last time I waited until I had enough more than enough evidence.  Emails, texts, secret phone numbers and dating profiles, the whole nine, yet when I confronted him he still lied.  And the things he couldn't lie about he just downplayed and made it seem like I was making a big deal out of nothing.  I accepted it because if I didn't we would have had to break up.  That has become my life. Believe the lies, accept the apology and keep it moving or break up my family.  Sure he cries and acts all broken up over the things he's done, yet 6 days ago there he was on Instagram looking at pictures of his ex-friend with benefits, the first woman he cheated on me with after we got married.  And like a dumbass he "likes" one of them.  It wasn't enough to just enjoy them quietly, no he had to announce to her and everyone else that he liked it.  How was he to know I would decide to reactivate my profile and go looking around on there?  So many fucking times I've caught him in some bullshit it's been by accident, when I wasn't even really looking.  What an asshole.  So what, do I confront him?  For what? So I can get his same old bullshit innocent guy line?  Trying to convince me that it didn't mean anything.  Or he'll start crying again, telling me how angry he is with himself.  How much he hates himself.  Whatever.  And what are my options?  I got 2 little kids here.  Am I really supposed to go down this path again?  I spent hundred of dollars of my parents money filing for divorce only to get back with this lying sack of shit because like a weak fool I actually wanted to believe that he could change.  There's no way I could go to them again and tell them we're doing the She Leaves Him scene, take 2.  And my kids, my babies.  I couldn't put my daughter through that again.  It killed me seeing how stressed she was.  Even more than my own stress and anxiety, watching the madness through her eyes was too much.  I hate him for putting me in the situation.  Why can't he just fucking act right?  Fucking Bitchney.  I hate that whore.  Brain dead cunt.  I hope she... No.  No, I won't say that.  Not even here.  But I do hate her.   I hate them.  I hate whores.  I hate every piece of shit female who knew he was married and spread her nasty legs for him anyway.  I despise the vows I took that bind me to him.  And even with all the love I have for my babies I hate that I am forever stuck with his trifling lying conniving fuck face.  Geez.  Tell me how you really feel.

That is all.