Today

First day back at work after the trip up to Rhode Island.  It was nice spending time with my son, talking to him.  I'm grateful that he is comfortable talking to me about most stuff.  It would have been nice to take the ride with just the two of us, but I just didn't feel right leaving the baby at home.  My two boys, one almost 18, the other not even 4 months old.  Its surreal at times how my life has come to be.  I had thought by now things would be, I don't know, just different.  I wanted to be married with more kids, but I imagined I'd have accomplished more in the way of my career and with my writing.  I feel like I should have had something published somewhere by now.  I regret getting rid of my myspace account.  Sure, it wasn't the "cool" place to be anymore but it was a great forum for my writing.  I was putting up a new piece at least once a week.  Sure it wasn't all gold, but every now and then I would come up with something I was really proud of.  I haven't written anything like that in so long.  Sure I've jotted some a few phrases here and there, but nothing like how I used to flow.  How can I call myself a writer if I don't write?
Anyway, today at work I was in the lab by myself.  I was irritated because M---- was slacking off last night and left bunch of work for me and no one was coming in to help me until 5 pm and I was leaving at 5:30.  Being by myself is good and bad.  On one hand it gives me time to think and just be inside my head.  On the other hand it gives me time to be inside my own head!  All day I was going over in my mind all the things I want to say to him about S----.  Finding that he was looking at her pictures on Instagram was like (another) knife in my heart.  I could scream and cry, yell, make accusations, threaten to leave and all that shit but for what?  I feel so fucking trapped sometimes because no matter what he does I only have 2 options.  Stay or leave.  I can't make him change, I can't make him act right and respect me by not interacting with these women.  He's going to do what he's going to do. All I can do is stay, focus on the positive parts of our relationship and hope things get better.  Ignore the shit he does even though its eating a hole in me.  I hate him so much sometimes for the things he has done and continues to do.  I don't have any proof that he's done anything recently besides look at a few pictures, but what difference does that make?  Last time I waited until I had enough more than enough evidence.  Emails, texts, secret phone numbers and dating profiles, the whole nine, yet when I confronted him he still lied.  And the things he couldn't lie about he just downplayed and made it seem like I was making a big deal out of nothing.  I accepted it because if I didn't we would have had to break up.  That has become my life. Believe the lies, accept the apology and keep it moving or break up my family.  Sure he cries and acts all broken up over the things he's done, yet 6 days ago there he was on Instagram looking at pictures of his ex-friend with benefits, the first woman he cheated on me with after we got married.  And like a dumbass he "likes" one of them.  It wasn't enough to just enjoy them quietly, no he had to announce to her and everyone else that he liked it.  How was he to know I would decide to reactivate my profile and go looking around on there?  So many fucking times I've caught him in some bullshit it's been by accident, when I wasn't even really looking.  What an asshole.  So what, do I confront him?  For what? So I can get his same old bullshit innocent guy line?  Trying to convince me that it didn't mean anything.  Or he'll start crying again, telling me how angry he is with himself.  How much he hates himself.  Whatever.  And what are my options?  I got 2 little kids here.  Am I really supposed to go down this path again?  I spent hundred of dollars of my parents money filing for divorce only to get back with this lying sack of shit because like a weak fool I actually wanted to believe that he could change.  There's no way I could go to them again and tell them we're doing the She Leaves Him scene, take 2.  And my kids, my babies.  I couldn't put my daughter through that again.  It killed me seeing how stressed she was.  Even more than my own stress and anxiety, watching the madness through her eyes was too much.  I hate him for putting me in the situation.  Why can't he just fucking act right?  Fucking Bitchney.  I hate that whore.  Brain dead cunt.  I hope she... No.  No, I won't say that.  Not even here.  But I do hate her.   I hate them.  I hate whores.  I hate every piece of shit female who knew he was married and spread her nasty legs for him anyway.  I despise the vows I took that bind me to him.  And even with all the love I have for my babies I hate that I am forever stuck with his trifling lying conniving fuck face.  Geez.  Tell me how you really feel.

That is all.

The Dogs of War

I believe people under estimate me. I'm not the rough and tough girl from the hood, I'm an easy going girl from the quiet suburbs. I'm not the ghetto type, not the one to jump up in your face and cuss you out. My patience is long and my temper very slow. But I have a line, a line that should not be crossed. Because once you cross it there's no going back.
You fuck with me and you will find out what a nasty, hateful bitch I can be.

My Enemies

I've been stressing for the last few days because my boss is a total bitch. I'm trying my best to learn my job and do it well. But she just has this nasty streak in her that pops up whenever she gets stressed or frustrated. I'm doing my best to deal with it calmly and maturely but she's really on my nerves. So Friday night my Dad took all his girls (my mom, sisters, nieces and their daughters) out to dinner. And who do I see waiting tables but my old manager from back when I was a waitress! She was the general manager for a huge chain and now she's just a waitress!! I was thrilled because she had always been a two-faced jerk towards me. She knew I wanted to move into a management role so she let me do all the work but kept blocking every attempt I made to move up. When I finally had to stop working due to pregnancy, instead of putting it in as a leave of absence she said I quit without sufficient notice which made it impossible for me to be rehired.
It reminded me that God had a plan for my life that no one can ruin. No matter what my enemies may try to do to hold me back, as long as I stay in faith He will work it out. He literally prepared a table for me in the presence of my enemy! I love it!!

I Married A Grown Up

He spent $769 at Best Buy on tech toys for himself and not a dollar put into savings. I can feel the murderous rage rising.

That is all.

Predicting the End

One day he's just going to pack up all his secrets and his lies and he'll be gone. The End.

Here a Chick, There a Chick

Why does it seen like every time I turn around there's some bitch up in my husband face or on his phone? Smiling at him, laughing, calling, texting, needing him for something. He's supposed to be my husband, not some Mr Save-A-Ho super hero. Why is there always some little single female he just has to be there for.
Miss Wake Up Call; a single female coworker who, despite being a grown up, needs my husband to call her and wake her up every morning or she might not get to work on time.
Miss Brokenhearted; who calls my husband when she's having problems with her boyfriend, like he's her own personal Dr Phil.
Miss Let's Hang Out; another female coworker who I've never met, drives an hour to hang out with my husband while I'm at work and just happens to have a friend that lives near us. Same chick calls him later that night because she's having car trouble and needs him to come help.
Miss I Need Information; this a chick he was trying to cheat with previously, got caught and promised he would cut off contact with.  Yet somehow she appears back on his Facebook friends list recently and was sending him messages to his inbox, most of which he deleted.
Miss Ex Girlfriend; who told him back in 2009 that she didn't want to have anymore contact with him. He just randomly decides to contact her in January. WHY???
Miss KIA Soul; Who he knows well enough to sit alone with her in her car chatting and laughing while they wait for the train. Then they walk together, get on together and sit together. I have NO idea who this woman is, how they met, how long they've known each other. Nothing.
Miss Walk and Talk; Another train station buddy that he never mentioned and I know nothing about but they're walking, talking and laughing like it's all cool. Fucking interesting.

Mind you, he's been coming home with alcohol on his breath, getting rides home and not telling me. And for almost 2 weeks straight he didn't sleep in our bed with me.

Now, all of a sudden he's acting different, but in a positive way. He's Mr Affection, being sweet and tender. I don't know what is happening in my life. My head is going to explode.

Band of Gold

In the three years we've been married he's lost 2 wedding rings. After he lost the second one he made no attempt to replace it. I asked him repeatedly to get a new one, told him that it bothered me that he wasn't wearing one. This went on for six months!! Eventually I decided to just buy one for him for Christmas. I asked him his size and he gave me the WRONG SIZE!!!

WTF? He had already purchased rings for himself twice so how could he not know? It was almost like he was trying to get out of wearing a wedding ring all together.
#shady