MF'er

Muther fucker.  That’s pretty much where I am.  I do a pretty good impersonation of an adult with her shit together.  I know that I am stronger than him.  Emotionally, spiritually.  I know that I am better able to deal with all the crap he’s done than he is.  That’s why he wants to fast track getting back to “normal” while skipping the hardest part.  He’s got some shit deep inside that he doesn’t know how to come to terms with.  He has run hard and fast to keep it far behind him.  He’s hidden from the pain, he’s denied it so hard that he almost believed it wasn’t there.  But my husband is sitting on a time bomb of pain that is likely to blow up not just his life, but the lives of his children, me and everyone who has ever tried to love him. He says he understands how I feel.  He understands how he hurt me.  It’s true he may “know” but he doesn’t really comprehend it in a significant way.  It’s like a kid in school with an important exam cramming the night because if he doesn’t pass the exam he’ll fail the course. So, he studies hard all night, filling his head with all the facts, dates, figures, places he possibly can. Doing his best to remember as many details so can regurgitate them onto the paper.  And in many cases this works.  He can hold enough pertinent information in his head and keep it in order and earn a passing grade.  But did he learn anything? No.  He can spit back facts but he has not retained anything of significance.  There has been no actual learning. All that information will fade away and he won’t be able to call upon it in the future if it is needed. Ronald will sit quietly and listen to every word I say or his therapist says and try to absorb and memorize as much as possible.  Then he’ll say it back, as evidence that he heard and understood but he didn’t.  Not in a way that will take root and effect his future behavior.

I’m lonely.  I miss being held and kissed.  I miss melting into someone’s arms, getting lost in their eyes and feeling the whole world melt away. I spent most of my teens, twenties and early thirties longing to fall in love.  Longing to meet and marry my best friend and make a life together. I imagined making love, cuddling and snuggling together watching our favorite TV shows and movies.  Taking long walks and vacations. Not being alone anymore.  Finding love. I had that. Almost.

Now I have a husband. A husband promising it will be different… this time.

But I know better.