Somewhat Less Angry, No Less Wounded

So, I may have given the impression lo' these last few posts that my husband is an irredeemable hopeless asshole, devoid of virtue or conscious.  While it's true there have been moments in the not too distant past that I did feel that way, wholeheartedly, the regrettable truth is that I love him.  In my naive heart I believe that behind all the terrible decisions driven by stupidity, selfishness, insecurity and a fragile ego, he is... a good man.  I hate that.  Almost every day, sometimes multiple times throughout the day I feel hostility towards him rising up in me like acid reflux and I have to beat in down so I can function.  I have to battle against the undeniable urge to call him a liar or a piece of shit, punch him in the face and/or push him down a flight of stairs.  I have to force myself to let him touch me and will myself to enjoy it on some level, even though all the while in my head I am subjected to imaginations of him touching her.  When he whispers his pillow talk I get flashes of him saying those same things to her.  It's like in Clockwork Orange when the guy has eyes wired open and is forced to view horrible scenes of violence and human misery.  That's what my brain does to me.  Except instead of torture and murder, by mind shows me scenes of my husband romancing and fucking other women.  I see his twisted smile, I hear their moans of ecstasy.  I have dreams.  The sames dreams I had a year ago.  The same dreams I've had almost the entire time I've been married to him.  Vivid, heart-wrenching dreams of him saying the cruelest things to me.  I dreamed of his betrayal many times over.  I knew how it would feel long before I ever felt it because something inside me sensed it coming.  I spent countless nights in unconscious despair, sobbing over shadows of future aching.  Sleeping next to the person who loved me to my face while sharpening the knife behind my back.  "Cruel tongue tear souls like steel tipped whips..."

I know we say that no one is perfect and to truly you love someone you have to accept their good and their bad.  Marriage as an institution aggressively tests that theory.  It's one thing to love and support a child that is a piece of shit.  They are apart of you, your DNA runs through them, you've loved them from even before they were born so you have a special ability to bear with all their bullshit.  Your child can break your heart 100 times over and you'll still be there believing the best about them.  That's a parent's love.  But can it be that way for spouses?  And if so, at what point is it just foolish and ill-advised?  When is it faith and when is just foolishness?

Love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrongs, love takes no pleasure in bad things but rejoices in virtuous things.  Love hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.  That's my simplified translation of I Corinthians chapter 13 verses 4 through 7.  Sounds awesome, right?  Everyone loves that definition of love because we each imagine ourselves on the receiving end of it.  We want someone who will love us unconditionally, through all the challenges and hurts, someone who will forgive us when we fall short, someone who will gloss over our mistakes as effortlessly as we do and focus only on our attempts and good intentions, rather than on all the times that we majorly fuck up.  However, I realize that in order for this model of love to work, really work in real time I have to be willing to give that love.  I have to bear with his faults.  I have to be patient.  I can't keep a record of his wrongdoings.  I have to believe the best about him.  If I claim to love him, I have to love him.  I think what is implied by that beautiful scripture is that love is HARD.  Love hurts and love will break your heart.  But if we want the beauty we have to embrace the beast.

It's a cheap cheat to post lyrics to a song written by someone else in my blog, but I love this song and it expresses exactly what I'm feeling.

They say it's a river that circles the earth
A beam of light shining to the edge of the universe
It conquers all, it changes everything

They say it's a blessing, they say it's a gift
They say it's a miracle and I believe that it is
It conquers all but it's a mystery

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard
And it fades away so easily

In this world we've created, in this place that we live
In the blink of an eye babe, the darkness slips in
Love lights the world, unites the lovers for eternity

Love breaks the chains
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears and the pain
And it turns it in to the beauty that remains

Look at this place
It was paradise but now it's dying
I'll pray for love
I'll take my chances that it's not too late

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard
And it fades away so easily, oh, oh, oh

Love breaks the chains
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears and the pain
And it turns it in to the beauty that remains

Vanessa Williams - Love Is Lyrics | MetroLyrics