Fine

What else am I supposed to say? That I’m tired of having to explain concepts that should be common sense to a grown man? How about that? Is that a good answer? No? Then I’m fine.

You call me passive aggressive. You think I'm being over-dramatic? I think you’re aggressively stupid, passively oblivious and dramatically disconnected from reality.  You're either willfully ignorant or a complete asshole.  Or both. How about that?  Is that a good answer? No? Then I’m fine.

Can I say that I have found myself in a situation for which there is no outcome, no series of choices that won’t lead to a painful, complicated mess? Can I say that I have been backed into a corner in every possible way?

Each time I manage to find a ray of hope, a glimmer of optimism I get smacked in the face by cold hard reality.

What else am I supposed to say when you ask the dumbest possible questions?

What else am I supposed to say when you ask if I’m okay when you know I’m not?

What else am I supposed to say when you ask me what’s wrong, when we both know what’s wrong?

You know what's wrong.
You know what's wrong.
You fucking KNOW what's wrong. Why are you playing games?

Insult to injury. Insult to injury.

The initial offense isn't enough. No, you have to make me feel dumb on top of it by pretending to know not even KNOW what's wrong. Or that something is wrong at all.

Infuriating. Maddening. Excruciating.

You pretend to be concerned and confused. You want to feign ignorance and I am forced to play along or appear emotional and irrational.

"Are you upset about something? I can't imagine what could be wrong.  I certainly didn't do anything."

I guess that means I’m fine.

Fine.

Lunch Break

I’m eating lunch.  At work. I’m drinking iced tea mixed with lemonade.  I refuse to drink water.  I have not been to the gym in almost 2 weeks. Last night I had a dream that Errikka moved to PA, somewhere nearby.  She and Ronald started seeing each other again romantically and he decided to leave me for her.  I was crushed but started getting attention from new men and dating again. I’m debating whether to tell Ronald.  Not sure it would matter or make a difference. He swears, SWEARS he is fully committed to me and making our marriage work.  She says she is newly married, very happy with her husband and has no desire to have any relationship with Ronald besides a co-parent for Jakkobi. Yea, he’s not going to sleep with her, they don’t want to be together.  Just like he and Naji had zero interest in each other and how he was totally done with Brittney.

Here's the saddest thing.  I don’t even know if I love him anymore.  I don’t want to say I don’t love him because I’m honestly not sure how I feel.  I know I’m not in love with him the way I once was, but I still care deeply for him.  Sometimes when we’re getting off the phone he’ll say, “I love you” and lately I have been unable to say it back.

He may have, for the time being, stopped actively doing things that he would need to lie about but we still haven’t gotten to the truth. This is madness waiting for the next calamity.  There’s always something more with him.  It’s never done, I can never rest. He thinks he is slick.  He thinks he’s clever and can always think of a way to get away with his crimes without me finding out.  But I always find out. 

I miss being held. I miss being touched. I miss a man’s smell, his strength, the roughness, resting against him, feeling secure and supported.

What about my babies? What happens to them if my marriage crumbles?  I’m serious! People act like it’s just a simple process to turn 4 people lives upside down.  Like everything will just fall into place and workout magically.  Just leave. Oh, yea, why didn’t I think of that?

Break is over.

MF'er

Muther fucker.  That’s pretty much where I am.  I do a pretty good impersonation of an adult with her shit together.  I know that I am stronger than him.  Emotionally, spiritually.  I know that I am better able to deal with all the crap he’s done than he is.  That’s why he wants to fast track getting back to “normal” while skipping the hardest part.  He’s got some shit deep inside that he doesn’t know how to come to terms with.  He has run hard and fast to keep it far behind him.  He’s hidden from the pain, he’s denied it so hard that he almost believed it wasn’t there.  But my husband is sitting on a time bomb of pain that is likely to blow up not just his life, but the lives of his children, me and everyone who has ever tried to love him. He says he understands how I feel.  He understands how he hurt me.  It’s true he may “know” but he doesn’t really comprehend it in a significant way.  It’s like a kid in school with an important exam cramming the night because if he doesn’t pass the exam he’ll fail the course. So, he studies hard all night, filling his head with all the facts, dates, figures, places he possibly can. Doing his best to remember as many details so can regurgitate them onto the paper.  And in many cases this works.  He can hold enough pertinent information in his head and keep it in order and earn a passing grade.  But did he learn anything? No.  He can spit back facts but he has not retained anything of significance.  There has been no actual learning. All that information will fade away and he won’t be able to call upon it in the future if it is needed. Ronald will sit quietly and listen to every word I say or his therapist says and try to absorb and memorize as much as possible.  Then he’ll say it back, as evidence that he heard and understood but he didn’t.  Not in a way that will take root and effect his future behavior.

I’m lonely.  I miss being held and kissed.  I miss melting into someone’s arms, getting lost in their eyes and feeling the whole world melt away. I spent most of my teens, twenties and early thirties longing to fall in love.  Longing to meet and marry my best friend and make a life together. I imagined making love, cuddling and snuggling together watching our favorite TV shows and movies.  Taking long walks and vacations. Not being alone anymore.  Finding love. I had that. Almost.

Now I have a husband. A husband promising it will be different… this time.

But I know better.

Feelings, woh feelings...

I guess this could fall under the category of PMS.  I just feel shitty and cranky and bitchy.  I got my hair relaxed.  It was about 2 years ago I made the decision to stop using chemicals to alter my hair and just let it be natural.  It didn't go the way I thought it would and I was sick of it so I went and spent $80 I really couldn't afford and got my hair relaxed and cut into a simple short style.  I'm like 90% happy with my look which is probably the best I can expect.  My beloved seems to like it as well.  We were supposed to go to NYC this weekend for a belated birthday getaway but his ghetto ass job messed up his check AGAIN.  He got his regular pay last week but he was also due an additional check for all the side work he does but they shorted him, who actually knows when they'll pay him what they owe him.  I'm so fucking angry and disappointed but I can't say anything because it will just make him feel bad.  It was his birthday present to me and I was really REALLY looking forward to it.  I requested the whole weekend off, I got my parents to watch the kids for us.  I needed this getaway,  WE needed this.  But I can't let on how I really feel.  That's kind of a defining characteristic of my life as a wife these days.  Being angry, scared, disappointed, hurt or whatever and not being able to express it because it will make HIM feel bad.  He asks me how I feel but all I'm really allowed to say is that I'm okay.  Anything else would make him feel guilty, more guilty than he says he feels.  Making him feel bad makes me feel like the shittiest person ever, even when he technically deserves to feel bad because of his actions.

How can I describe what it's like to live with someone who tries really hard to do the right thing 75% of the time but then with that remaining 25% behaves like an absolute shameless bastard?  I'm not talking about basic personality flaws, bad habits and annoying idiosyncrasies; I'm talking about intentional, calculated betrayals and deceptions.  Complete lack of regard for the feelings of those he claimed to love and care for above all else.  Actually plotting and scheming.  Makes that 25% seem fucking huge.  Yet, that 75% is so convincing, so sincere, so contrite.  I hate this hopeless trapped feeling because I don't have an option that won't be painful on some level.  The way I'm feeling right now is unpleasant and I honestly have to say I'm not happy.  However, I know if I tried to divorce him that would be like being burned alive.  I know from experience.  My husband was a rat bastard son of a bitch when he found out I had filed.  That 75% good guy crumbled down to a pile of nothing and he was like a stranger, but worse.  He was horrible to me, while I was pregnant!  Pregnant.  But he didn't care about what happened to me.  He only cared about covering his own ass and punishing me for daring to finally stand up for myself.  Vindictive prick.  Just thinking that he could have been like that to me, especially when it was his actions that caused all the drama, it's almost too much to bear.  And to know that most likely that is how he would be again.  See my beloved doesn't lose.  Even if it means playing dirty, cheating, ruining me.  That's who I sleep with every night.  That's supposedly my partner, my best friend.  That nigga would have slit my throat (figuratively) if it came down to it. 

But now in the aftermath, he seems to be saying and doing everything right.  He seems to be trying so hard.  He seems like he wants to make me happy, like he wants us to be happy with each other.  I just don't fucking trust him.  I want to trust him.  I love him.  He has hurt me beyond anything I thought I could endure, left scars on my heart that will never fade.  I thought no one would ever cause me to shed as many tears as Travis.  Unfortunately the only man I ever loved more than Travis wounded me far worse than Travis could have even if he tried.  Travis was just your run of the mill asshole.  Falling in love with him was immature and looking back I can see all the red flags and know without a doubt how I could have avoided that train wreck with some basic common sense.  My beloved, however, was different.  Look at him from almost any angle and there wasn't much one could have done to anticipate the devil hiding behind those angel eyes.  So many times over the last couple years I looked at him and wondered, "who the hell are you?" I wonder if I'll ever know.  I can't live with that.

And now we sit here at the kitchen table, typing away on our laptops acting like it's all good.  What happens in his mind?  How does he walk around so unaware, oblivious to the pain that swirls around me heart daily.  He asks me, "What's wrong?" Like he really doesn't know.  The other night, I was overwhelmed with grief.  I went up into our room and closed the door and just began sobbing.  This time of year is particularly difficult for me because so much got started in the fall seasons of our marriage.  As a child I would always get depressed in the fall, partially because the days got shorter and the lack of sunlight made my moods swing low.  Also because this was usually progress report time and I was usually doing terribly in at least a couple of my classes so being grounded was just around the corner.  As an adult, as a married woman, October 2013 is when my husband started his affair with his 25 year old coworker.  An affair that continued for over a year on and off and resulted in the birth of a child.  Christ in heaven.  Sometimes I wonder if I had been better of to just go ahead with the damn divorce.  Would that have been any less painful?  Would I have felt any relief?  No.  No.  There is no scenario that I can imagine that this wouldn't have been heart-wrenching.  In every possible version the facts remain the same.  My husband had an affair, not his first affair by the way.  He contemplated leaving me, humiliated me by carrying on that affair at his job so that many of his coworkers knew about it.  His brother, his friends knew about it.  He took his mistress to his parents house where his father knew what they were doing and permitted it to take place under his roof.  He didn't even have enough care  or consideration for me to use a FUCKING CONDOM YOU RAT BASTARD.  Emotional vomit.  Anger spewing out of me.  So much anger, so much pain.  All of things are my reality whether married or divorced.  Trying to put the pieces of my heart back together, knowing I'll never be the same, that is my unrelenting reality, regardless of which road I took.  The only difference, divorce him.  Go it alone, be a single mom to 2 small children while he goes off with his whore or whatever other stupid female he could run game on.  Or stay married and spend the rest of my life tortured by mistrust.

This year we will celebrate our 5 year anniversary.  That is special, or should have been because we got married at the courthouse.  My father wasn't there. Neither of our sons were there.  We didn't have a honeymoon, nothing.  We weren't ever living together.  We promised ourselves that for our 5 year anniversary we would renew our vows and have the ceremony/reception we had to skip the first time.  That's not going to happen.  I don't know if he even cares.  He doesn't act like it.  Doesn't acknowledge it.  He never acknowledges anything.  Then he plays dumb and acts confused when I get upset.  Like, "Oh, you wanted to do that thing we said we were going to do?" No fuckface, don't be silly.  This time last year you were hiding your whore's pregnancy, now you're acting like nothing happened and you're confused as to why I'm sad.  I found out she was pregnant actually on our 4 year anniversary. Yea.  We had gone out to celebrate that weekend.  He posted on Facebook this really sweet status about how much he loved me and how I challenged him to be a better man.  You fucking liar.  This time last year he was also reaching out to his ex-fiance, flirting with her, reminiscing about their sex life all the while telling her how unhappy he'd been during the course of our marriage.  She told him that she still believed he was the father of her son.  He cut off contact with her and never said anything to me about it.   How do I know this?  Because when she got sick of him dodging her she contacted me directly.  This is the man who looks at me and asks, "What's wrong?" The fuck you think is wrong?!

Whatever stuff

Waiting for the bus to work.  I missed the 11:07 bus that gets me there an hour early, so instead I’m catching the 12:07 bus that gets me there 15 minutes late.  I should care more than I do, the thing about retail and specifically the store I work for is that they are very flexible.  People come late and leave early all the time and no one really cares, unless it’s excessive and inconveniences others.  I know if I get this new job I’ll be back in corporate America and they are not at all flexible about that kind of thing. I better be an hour early and like it.  My contact, the friend and former coworker who referred me says there is still a chance I’ll get the job even though it’s been over 3 weeks and still haven’t heard anything.  The training classes are set to start on October 5^th or at least that’s what I was told during the interview.  My friend says one of the trainers was recently fired which means the date of the classes might get pushed back.  The reason I’m worried about that is because I want to be able to give my manager at least 2 weeks notice before I leave.  I know it will be difficult for them to cover the schedule if I leave, especially since one of our part time girls recently confessed to me that she wants to find another job and would likely be leaving at some point.  That would leave the lab a manager with one part time guy whose not really trained and one other part time girl who is fully trained but is also crosses trained to work on the sales floor so might not be able to cover all the hours that would be open.  I really want to tell J--- and B---- that I’m leaving sooner so they can have time to get someone hired and at least half way trained but I can’t take the chance that they hire someone to replace me and then I don’t get this new job.  I know I’ll feel like an ass but I have to do what’s right for my family.  I need to have my nights and weekends back.  And this job is literally a 5 minute drive from my house.  Hell, I could walk there if I really needed to.  I won’t have the car anymore if I take this job.  Ron will get Nathaniel up with him in the morning, drive him to Terrea’s house and then drive to work.  I’ll walk Elizabeth to daycare in the morning and then hop on the bus.  This will be how it works at least for the next 6 months until Nathaniel turns 1 year old. Then he’ll be able to join Elizabeth at her daycare.  At that point I don’t know if Ronald will continue taking the car and I’ll go back to getting both kids  up and out the door every damn morning.  Up to this point I’ve accepted being responsible for the kids because at least I had the car and he had to get up extra early and take a bus, a train and the el.  I’m sitting here on the grass under a tree waiting for the bus.  It’s unfortunate most of the bus stops around here don’t have any shelter or shade. You’re completely exposed to the elements.  That is going to be a problem for me at some point.  I think I should be able to keep the car during the winter months if I’m going to have the kids.  We’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. 

I have to close tonight.  Crossing my fingers that it’s slow.  I know that sounds so lazy, I’m just not in the mood to do any real work.  I’m such a bum. Lol  It just irks me that they schedule me to work by myself so often.  B---- will be there today until 5 or 5:30.  I like Bryan, he’s interesting.  Reminds me of the kind of guy I would have been friends with in high school.  Sitting with my legs crossed like this is starting the make my knees sore.  Geez, my knees are atrocious.  So this is how it feels to get old.  I don’t like it. 

At work now, taking my dinner break. I hate my job today.  I find myself liking it less and less over the last couple of weeks.  There are aspects of it that I honestly enjoy my immediate managers and supervisors are good guys, easy to get along with.  Most of my coworkers are tolerable and most days things go pretty smoothly.  There is just an attitude that permeates this company that I can’t stand.  I’m not sure how to describe it without going on for a paragraph and since I had to wait in line at Chick-fil-a for half my break I don’t have the luxury of time on my side.  Wouldn’t it be cool to get paid to write?  To be able to support myself and my family just using my own creativity and imagination.  To communicate on a level and be able to reach people in a way that was so significant, so profound that they would pay me.  Getting paid to think and share my thoughts wih the world.  How awesome would that be?  Up until this point I thought my success would be in a work of fiction.  A narrative story; put perhaps there’s more inside.  Perhaps that has been the reason for my writer’s block.  I was trying to write the wrong thing.  I’ve thought about writing down my thoughts about religion and politics, racism in America.  Really heavy stuff.   I have a lot of thoughts but when I think of actually putting them on paper I shy away.  I’m not a political science professor or attorney, I don’t have any of the background or credentials that people expect.  I’m not Hollywood entertainer with a huge following who can get people’s attention just because of their celebrity.  Hell, I didn’t even finish college.  Why the heck would anyone care what I have to say?  But yet I feel it burning inside me.  Can I get it out?  Can I tell you what I really think?  Uh oh, breaks over.

Mistrust vs Unforgiveness

Monday, September 14, 2015

Didn't take lunch today, no overlapping coverage and by the time I was actually ready we had too many jobs working for me to stop.  So I skipped lunch and just clocked out a half hour early. I’m still sitting in the break room eating what I guess is technically dinner since it’s after 5pm.  Leftovers from the potluck we had on Saturday, the same thing I had for breakfast.  My beloved stayed home today so he has the car so I’m just sitting around waiting to get picked up.

This morning I woke up feeling a combination of sadness, frustration and despair.  I dreamed about my husband cheating again.  Catching him in the act. Him first denying the accusations and then blaming his actions on my inability to satisfy his needs.  It’s difficult for me as I try to move forward with my marriage because even though I am committed to forgiving him, I am unable to trust him.  Almost everything I know about his various infidelities I discovered on my own.  Either by my own investigation or by third parties bringing information to my attention; some things were just a matter of my own intuition leading me to conclusions that ended up being spot on.  Only about 1% of the facts were volunteered by my beloved and most of that 1% came after much plying and peeling away layers of deception.  Each time we would have what was supposed to be an open honest discussion establishing a clean slate, I would find out in a matter of days or weeks that he had again lied to me and there was more to the story.  So it stands to reason that if there were any further offenses I could not count on him to be forthcoming and just confess, no, I would have to wait for any further betrayals to be be revealed in the same fashion.  Therefore, our foundation is shaky at best.  Still each day I try to move forward, try to focus on the positive, take him at his word.  Unfortunately the rope that’s holding us together has been unraveled so severely that almost anything causes me to slip back into fear and anxiety.  Even just a dream.  This next confession is going to seem suspiciously spooky but it’s 100% true.  I dreamed about his infidelity.  I had multiple dreams about it over the course of months and almost everything I dreamed ended up happening in one way or another.  I spent so many nights crying in my sleep, experience heart wrenching betrayals over and over, knowing in the center of my being that what my unconscious mind was showing me was a glimpse of what my conscious eyes were unable to view.

I am unable to find peace.  Not because of unforgiveness but because of mistrust.  I can forgive what I already know he did, but I am terrified that I am walking into more hurt.  So many things raise red flags in my mind. Things that once seemed innocent now set off alarms in my heart.  HE’S UP TO SOMETHING.  HE’S UP TO SOMETHING. HE’S UP TO SOMETHING. BEWARE. BEWARE. WARNING!!!!!  How do I move past that? My intuition was spot on every time, every time he lied, in my heart  I knew the truth, but somehow now I’m supposed to ignore my intuition? How?  And better question, why should I?

Yet somehow, a little bit at a time I feel like I am starting to trust him, or at least be less suspicious.  Sometimes I look at him and how hard he really does seem to be trying and I feel a little bit of my guard letting down.  Or at least I feel apprehension when I feel the anger rise up in me from time to time.  I see him, looking all pitiful.  I don’t want to be a fool, yet I want to believe him.  I want my life to make sense again. I want to be at peace.  I want to make love without cringing inside every time I get a vision of him touching her.  I want to look at our children without thinking about the child he made with his mistress, or the son in Atlanta that he’s been denying for the last seven years.  I want to be able to hear him say he loves me without recalling the months he contemplated leaving me for his mistress and wondering if he could be capable of that level of deception again.  I can accept that he did it, I just wonder if he could do it again.