Feelings, woh feelings...

I guess this could fall under the category of PMS.  I just feel shitty and cranky and bitchy.  I got my hair relaxed.  It was about 2 years ago I made the decision to stop using chemicals to alter my hair and just let it be natural.  It didn't go the way I thought it would and I was sick of it so I went and spent $80 I really couldn't afford and got my hair relaxed and cut into a simple short style.  I'm like 90% happy with my look which is probably the best I can expect.  My beloved seems to like it as well.  We were supposed to go to NYC this weekend for a belated birthday getaway but his ghetto ass job messed up his check AGAIN.  He got his regular pay last week but he was also due an additional check for all the side work he does but they shorted him, who actually knows when they'll pay him what they owe him.  I'm so fucking angry and disappointed but I can't say anything because it will just make him feel bad.  It was his birthday present to me and I was really REALLY looking forward to it.  I requested the whole weekend off, I got my parents to watch the kids for us.  I needed this getaway,  WE needed this.  But I can't let on how I really feel.  That's kind of a defining characteristic of my life as a wife these days.  Being angry, scared, disappointed, hurt or whatever and not being able to express it because it will make HIM feel bad.  He asks me how I feel but all I'm really allowed to say is that I'm okay.  Anything else would make him feel guilty, more guilty than he says he feels.  Making him feel bad makes me feel like the shittiest person ever, even when he technically deserves to feel bad because of his actions.

How can I describe what it's like to live with someone who tries really hard to do the right thing 75% of the time but then with that remaining 25% behaves like an absolute shameless bastard?  I'm not talking about basic personality flaws, bad habits and annoying idiosyncrasies; I'm talking about intentional, calculated betrayals and deceptions.  Complete lack of regard for the feelings of those he claimed to love and care for above all else.  Actually plotting and scheming.  Makes that 25% seem fucking huge.  Yet, that 75% is so convincing, so sincere, so contrite.  I hate this hopeless trapped feeling because I don't have an option that won't be painful on some level.  The way I'm feeling right now is unpleasant and I honestly have to say I'm not happy.  However, I know if I tried to divorce him that would be like being burned alive.  I know from experience.  My husband was a rat bastard son of a bitch when he found out I had filed.  That 75% good guy crumbled down to a pile of nothing and he was like a stranger, but worse.  He was horrible to me, while I was pregnant!  Pregnant.  But he didn't care about what happened to me.  He only cared about covering his own ass and punishing me for daring to finally stand up for myself.  Vindictive prick.  Just thinking that he could have been like that to me, especially when it was his actions that caused all the drama, it's almost too much to bear.  And to know that most likely that is how he would be again.  See my beloved doesn't lose.  Even if it means playing dirty, cheating, ruining me.  That's who I sleep with every night.  That's supposedly my partner, my best friend.  That nigga would have slit my throat (figuratively) if it came down to it. 

But now in the aftermath, he seems to be saying and doing everything right.  He seems to be trying so hard.  He seems like he wants to make me happy, like he wants us to be happy with each other.  I just don't fucking trust him.  I want to trust him.  I love him.  He has hurt me beyond anything I thought I could endure, left scars on my heart that will never fade.  I thought no one would ever cause me to shed as many tears as Travis.  Unfortunately the only man I ever loved more than Travis wounded me far worse than Travis could have even if he tried.  Travis was just your run of the mill asshole.  Falling in love with him was immature and looking back I can see all the red flags and know without a doubt how I could have avoided that train wreck with some basic common sense.  My beloved, however, was different.  Look at him from almost any angle and there wasn't much one could have done to anticipate the devil hiding behind those angel eyes.  So many times over the last couple years I looked at him and wondered, "who the hell are you?" I wonder if I'll ever know.  I can't live with that.

And now we sit here at the kitchen table, typing away on our laptops acting like it's all good.  What happens in his mind?  How does he walk around so unaware, oblivious to the pain that swirls around me heart daily.  He asks me, "What's wrong?" Like he really doesn't know.  The other night, I was overwhelmed with grief.  I went up into our room and closed the door and just began sobbing.  This time of year is particularly difficult for me because so much got started in the fall seasons of our marriage.  As a child I would always get depressed in the fall, partially because the days got shorter and the lack of sunlight made my moods swing low.  Also because this was usually progress report time and I was usually doing terribly in at least a couple of my classes so being grounded was just around the corner.  As an adult, as a married woman, October 2013 is when my husband started his affair with his 25 year old coworker.  An affair that continued for over a year on and off and resulted in the birth of a child.  Christ in heaven.  Sometimes I wonder if I had been better of to just go ahead with the damn divorce.  Would that have been any less painful?  Would I have felt any relief?  No.  No.  There is no scenario that I can imagine that this wouldn't have been heart-wrenching.  In every possible version the facts remain the same.  My husband had an affair, not his first affair by the way.  He contemplated leaving me, humiliated me by carrying on that affair at his job so that many of his coworkers knew about it.  His brother, his friends knew about it.  He took his mistress to his parents house where his father knew what they were doing and permitted it to take place under his roof.  He didn't even have enough care  or consideration for me to use a FUCKING CONDOM YOU RAT BASTARD.  Emotional vomit.  Anger spewing out of me.  So much anger, so much pain.  All of things are my reality whether married or divorced.  Trying to put the pieces of my heart back together, knowing I'll never be the same, that is my unrelenting reality, regardless of which road I took.  The only difference, divorce him.  Go it alone, be a single mom to 2 small children while he goes off with his whore or whatever other stupid female he could run game on.  Or stay married and spend the rest of my life tortured by mistrust.

This year we will celebrate our 5 year anniversary.  That is special, or should have been because we got married at the courthouse.  My father wasn't there. Neither of our sons were there.  We didn't have a honeymoon, nothing.  We weren't ever living together.  We promised ourselves that for our 5 year anniversary we would renew our vows and have the ceremony/reception we had to skip the first time.  That's not going to happen.  I don't know if he even cares.  He doesn't act like it.  Doesn't acknowledge it.  He never acknowledges anything.  Then he plays dumb and acts confused when I get upset.  Like, "Oh, you wanted to do that thing we said we were going to do?" No fuckface, don't be silly.  This time last year you were hiding your whore's pregnancy, now you're acting like nothing happened and you're confused as to why I'm sad.  I found out she was pregnant actually on our 4 year anniversary. Yea.  We had gone out to celebrate that weekend.  He posted on Facebook this really sweet status about how much he loved me and how I challenged him to be a better man.  You fucking liar.  This time last year he was also reaching out to his ex-fiance, flirting with her, reminiscing about their sex life all the while telling her how unhappy he'd been during the course of our marriage.  She told him that she still believed he was the father of her son.  He cut off contact with her and never said anything to me about it.   How do I know this?  Because when she got sick of him dodging her she contacted me directly.  This is the man who looks at me and asks, "What's wrong?" The fuck you think is wrong?!